My mother always criticizes my weight. How can I get her to be more respectful?

You didn’t say whether momsy is dissing you because you’re too skinny or too fat.

But since we all know that nobody can be too thin—just take a look at Barack Obama—I’m going to hazard a guess that you’re somewhat on the heavy side.

We know it couldn’t be the half-gallons of Ben & Jerry’s you devour while watching Desperate Housewives or Judge Judy that’s putting weight on you (LOL). And, it can’t be lack of exercise, since you bragged that you work out vigorously most every afternoon in the locker room with your club’s tennis pro.

So, your problem must be genetic. Is your mama a lardo also? Is her dress size more than double her shoe size? Does she have more chins than the Hong Kong phone book?

Be kind to the old windbag—she’s still your mother. Tell her that you love her so much you want to look just like her, and being morbidly obese is your goal. Tell her that comfort is more important to your hubby than speed. Tell her to get off your back and look in the mirror.

There’s a younger woman at my office with whom I enjoy working. However, the Emails she sends me are often rude and insulting. Should I confront her?

No. The Emails she sends you are rude and insulting because she doesn’t like you. And, from the tone of your letter to me, I don’t care much for you, either.

Quit the job and go somewhere else where you won’t have to interface with other employees. Mebbe a graveyard-shift stint as an all-night coffee kiosk barista.

What’s the best way to remove club soda stains from a white blouse?

Apply red wine, preferably a Merlot. You’ll never notice the club soda stains again.

In a five-card-draw poker hand I have a pair of aces, Counting one of the aces, I also have four hearts. Should I hold the aces and hope for one or two more, or should I throw away the ace of clubs and go for a flush?

Never draw to an inside straight.